©2009 Full Circle Magazine.
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kickstart
Living fully through acceptance
by Janet Winterbourne SACAP Dip. Counselling & Communication
Member BACP (British Assoc. Counselling and Psychotherapy)
Living fully is rooted in acceptance. The
ability to live in the moment; engage with
positive energy; move forward in change,
and so much more, all relies on your ability
to accept things the way they are. Only by
inviting in, and coming to terms with, how
things are can you constructively move
towards, and into, the future.
“That’s such nonsense” I can almost hear
some readers muttering to themselves.
“Why should I accept something I don’t
believe in or approve of? I have the right to
make choices about what is acceptable or not
and live my life accordingly.”
Indeed you do have a choice, and if living or
doing something in a certain manner is
unacceptable to a particular individual, then
that person ought to choose their path as they
see fit. Choice is always available, to everyone,
at any time.
Acceptance via the denial of choice is not
what I am referring to here. I refer rather to
learning to accept yourself, others,
relationships and the impact of circumstances
on your life. The truth is, that without first
accepting how things are, you shut out the
opportunity for change. The starting-line of
change is at the point when you have learned
to accept life as it is.
Please note that in referring to acceptance in
this context I do not refer to apathy. Apathy is
born out of the belief that things are as they are
and therefore nothing can be done to alter the
situation. Apathy has no relationship with
acceptance at all.
This quote from Arthur Gordon makes the
distinction clear: ‘Some people confuse
acceptance with apathy, but there’s all the
difference in the world. Apathy fails to
distinguish between what can and what cannot
be helped; acceptance makes that distinction.
Apathy paralyses the will-to-action; acceptance
frees it by relieving it of impossible burdens.’
Let’s take a real-life example of the kind of
acceptance being referred to in this context. If
you have been through a divorce or a break-up
in a relationship, there is likely to be a need to
work through a variety of practical and
emotional issues. This work can be most
painful, pulling feelings from the very centre of
the soul. Healing can take time. It may be a
difficult journey. You have a choice as to how
to deal with the situation however, from the
outset. You can accept the situation and
make plans accordingly. Alternatively you
could deny yourself freedom via choosing
not to accept that things are the way they
are, and focus on all that has gone, is lost or
is wrong.
In reality it takes energy to deny or reject
the situation. It drains that which could be
available for healing. Denial prevents you
from living in the here and now. It so often
pulls you back to focusing on what could
have been or what was. To deny yourself the
choice to accept the new situation will slow
down change at best, and block it completely
at worst. To choose not to accept that what
is, will almost ensure that the trauma of the
past is carried forward into the future. It will
never set you free.
“Accept the situation and
make constructive strides in
moving forward”
On the other hand, with the necessary
work, focus and personal development you
can choose to accept the situation and make
constructive strides in moving forward.
Through accepting that the situation is as
you find it, you release the flow of will-to-
action, and take action. Impossible burdens
start to shrink, and eventually disappear.
Real learning and growth occurs. New
discoveries and life changes are made.
Another, more concrete, example might be
that of going to work in the morning or
finding yourself in a meeting in which you do
not actually want to be. Here again you have
a choice. You can grit your teeth and just get
on with it, or you can accept that this is the
moment in time in which you find yourself
and thereby give it your fullest attention.
And, as is so often the case when paying
attention, energy is released, the ability to
listen is enhanced, more is heard and
learning takes place. Before long, you may
even find that an idea, a thought, a belief of
September 2009 Vol6 No9
some kind has changed completely! None of
this would have been possible without taking
the first step of accepting that what is,
actually is.
Acceptance is not an easy concept to
explain, nor indeed is it one that is
necessarily easy to grasp. People will
vehemently state that some particular ‘thing’
is unacceptable. Indeed it may be. But in
choosing to focus on the unacceptability of
something, you can so easily get stuck in the
quagmire of righteousness, judgement,
blame, ‘fixing’, forcing, pushing … and lose
the ability to live fully.
Of course some things may not be
changeable – and therefore they may remain
‘unacceptable’, but then you have the choice
to move away from those things and let them
go. This is not apathy. This is not fate. This is
true acceptance of the toughest kind.
Acceptance cuts across every area of our
lives. Possibly the biggest challenge is
accepting others for who they really are.
Learning to love, appreciate and respect the
uniqueness in every other human-being
(even if you do not necessarily like them) can
be a challenge. In accepting others for who
they are, so much can change. Not
surprisingly your very experience of the other
person, as well as your ability to accept
yourself, might very well be enhanced.
When you next find something
unacceptable, take time to reflect on how
your choices affect your energy. Notice
whether, in choosing to focus on the
unacceptability of the situation, it adds any
value to your life. Does it leave you feeling
fully alive? Now focus on the difference you
feel when something in your day is totally
acceptable either because it falls within your
already-set parameters of acceptability, or
because you choose for it to be
accommodated in such a framework.
Living fully is joined at the hip with our
ability to accept things as they are – even if
you then choose to change them.
BRAIN GYMNASIUM
After such a complicated subject, this is a
nice easy brainteaser…
A truck needs to drive under a tunnel to
deliver its load on the other side. It gets stuck
halfway due to its height exceeding that of
the tunnel. It cannot go forward or back in its
current state. The truck gets through
successfully in the end. How did this
happen?
* Answer will be published in the next issue of the Full Circle
ANSWER FROM PREVIOUS BRAIN GYMNASIUM
1x1=1 / 2x2=4 / 3x3=9 / 4x4=16 etc, so
X is 9; 36 and 64.
6x2=12 / 12x3=36 / 4x36=144 / 5x144=720 /
6x720=4320, so X is 144.
