©2009 Full Circle Magazine.
60
60
relationships
Sexuality and you...
by Janet Winterbourne - Counsellor SACAP Dip. Counselling & Communication
Member BACP (British Assoc. Counselling and Psychotherapy)
Loss of interest in sex, a non-
responsive partner, not getting enough
sex, it started off good but gradually
diminished … just a few of the many
issues I hear in counselling sessions
around the subject of sexuality. When
we get it right sex can amount to 10%
of a good marriage … if we lose it
along the way it can become 90% of a
bad marriage!
To try to find out where things have gone
awry, initially I will find out about the
general quality of the relationship. Could
there be a physiological problem that is
causing the lack of interest, is it a case of
‘use it or lose it’ where a couple have
gotten out of the habit of having sex until it
eventually disappears? Or have our brains
been so bogged down with clutter that it
blocks our libido? So, what makes our sex-
clocks tick?
The ‘action’ actually takes place in the
brain. The brain is the sex centre that
houses our emotions, desires and
impulses. It is in the brain where you fall in
and out of love and where sexual arousal
begins, and usually where you have to
delve in order to discover why it is that a
sexual problem has occurred.
Nature also plays its part … our DNA is
programmed with the instinct to have sex,
nature’s clever way of propagating the
species, so the brain therefore must work
in sync with the sex organs.
Sexual stimulation varies between men
and women in that for men the brain is the
most important sexual organ, but for
women, beyond sexual impulses and
hormonal influences, women require love,
friendship and emotional intimacy from
men before they become sexually
aroused.
What drives men and women to have
sex?
Libido (sex drive) is primarily driven by
hormones. Testosterone present in males
and females generates the drive to have
sex. Oestrogen, Follicle-Stimulating
Hormone and Luteinizing Hormone are
necessary for women to maintain their libido.
Urology and fertility experts from the Men’s
Health Clinic in Changi General Hospital in
Singapore, explain that men reach their sexual
peak in their teens to 20s whereas women
usually reach their sexual prime in their 30s.
Men peak in their early years … after 40 a
man’s testosterone level drops between 1.2%
and 5% each year. As testosterone production
drops so does the man’s libido. Women peak
later and can maintain their libido into their 40s,
prior to menopause, when it will steadily reduce
in intensity.
When asked about having sex into old age,
Dr Peter Chew from the Peter Chew Clinic for
Women in Asia in Singapore says that it is
possible to have a good sex life in your later
years. He says that the frequency may be
reduced, it is a slow ‘burn-down’ and positions
may need to be more conservative, but it is
possible.
I have seen in my own practice couples well
into retirement who report very satisfactory sex
lives. My own research into this leads me to
believe that a healthy diet, weight control and
moderate fitness levels are all factors which
contribute to their ability to have a prolonged
active sex life.
For men it works like this: he will receive
visual stimulation – this could be the attraction
he has to his partner – and it can manifest as a
result of touching and stroking. At this point his
brain sends a message to his penis via his
spinal cord.
Neurochemicals, like endorphins, circulate in
the body; nitric oxide is produced by nerves in
the penis and expands the blood vessels. The
spongy tissue of the penis fills with blood and
thus becomes erect.
In women, sexual arousal shows in the form
of erect nipples and secretion of vaginal fluid. A
cocktail of chemicals such as oxytocin and
dopamine are released through the body during
sex, maintaining arousal.
A plateau-phase comes when sexual
stimulation is more intense and orgasm is
imminent. Breathing becomes heavier and the
heart-rates shoot up. A woman’s breasts may
swell and her womb contracts, designed so as
to draw in sperm to encourage fertilisation.
Orgasm marks the sexual climax … it is a
series of involuntary muscle contractions with a
sudden release of endorphins which brings the
state of euphoria associated with an orgasm for
women. It is a rhythmic series of contractions
occurring in the uterus, outer vagina and anal
sphincter muscles, and may spread throughout
her body. Initial contractions can be one second
or even less apart. From working with couples
over a period of time I find that women can
experience a mild orgasm of, say, three to five
contractions, while an intense orgasm can be
from 10 to 15 contractions.
For men, the orgasm involves rapid rhythmic
contractions of the prostate, urethra and the
muscles at the base of the penis, followed by the
ejaculation of semen through the tip of the penis.
Dr Ing, Urologist and Andropause Consultant of
The Men’s Health Clinic says, “Men usually have
a single orgasm, some men may report multiple
orgasms but that is probably because they did
not ejaculate properly the first time round.”
Post-ejaculation, men enter a refractory phase,
ie the penis becomes flaccid and he cannot be
aroused any further. This refractory phase can
range from about 15 minutes to 24 hours
depending on his physical fitness, age and
libido.
Results from research by 34 American and
Canadian Sex Therapists last year revealed that
the ideal length of time to have penetrative sex
is between three and 13 minutes, that is not
counting foreplay!
It was also found that a couple are at their
peak of love and intimacy, and therefore sexual
desire, between three months and two years into
their relationship … men tending to see sex on a
more basic primal level with women having an
emphasis on the more emotional psychological
components.
Despite the invaluable information that
statistics and medical research provide, I feel
that we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that sex is
not just for reproduction … on a human level it is
also an expression of our love and of
commitment to our partners.
Any related questions or queries can be directed to Janet
on: 083 268 6566 or via e-mail: janet@universe.co.za
September 2009 Vol6 No9
