On your marks...

by Grant Clark in January 2012 - Clark's Lore

I am always very conflicted at the start of a new year. On the one hand I am sad to see another year slip away into history, but on the other hand I am thrilled to bust into a brand new year full of possibility and promise. This enthusiasm is, however, always tempered by the very serious ritual of determining my resolutions for the New Year. I take this process very seriously and my years passed are strictly evaluated and catalogued on a simple pass/fail determination of how I did with my resolutions for that year. In 2010 I had a success rate of 50%, which like it or not, is a pass. In 2011, I improved this by a whopping 10%, which may only be one resolution but is still a whopping 10%.

Here is my 2011 report card:

1. I will not impregnate TLJ again. Passed. The threat that that would entail my mother-in-law moving in with us on a permanent basis to help out worked a charm. Who knew? In-laws, the best form of contraception ever!
2. I will not gesticulate rudely to taxis that cut me off in the traffic anymore. Failed. I crashed and burned on this one in mid-January 2011.
3. I will write to Canada to see if they will take Julius Malema because we are finished with him and he is being continually persecuted by Human Rights Organisations and the Sheriff of the Court. Passed. I wrote the letter but they responded that they had no choice but to decline the kind offer as they could not take any unaccompanied minors.
4. I will find something else to wear on Friday’s other than my knock off Bafana Bafana top. I will also take the opportunity to wash it. Passed. This one went down to the wire and I was still wearing my Bafana top on 8 October after the celebratory “we have not qualified for the African cup of Nations tournament” dance was performed for the whole world to see. Choreography 10 out of 10. Interpretation minus 10.
5. I will change the password on my computer from “Password” to something shorter. Failed.
6. I will stop calling the South African cricket team fat. I will refer to them as big boned or possibly as having thyroid problems. Failed. They are still fat.
7. I will stop using the punch line “Then tell them to stop eating so many thyroids” immediately after making my comments in number six. Failed hopelessly. It’s a funny punch line!
8. I will not make any dodgy investments in 2011 like the Bangladesh Lottery, the South African Revenue Service or purchasing shares in schemes building airports on open tracts of land near volcanoes in Iceland. Unless of course Bernie is good to me this time round. Passed.
9. I will not embarrass my wife and daughter as I officially become a parent at a private school. I may embarrass either one of them independently but not both at the same time. Passed. Embarrassed them both repeatedly but never at the same time.
10. I will not give up drinking alcohol or eating junk food. Passed with flying colours!

On the whole, in my opinion a brilliant performance marking 2011 as one of my best years ever. That being said, the past is the past and my eyes are now on the prize that is 2012. Here for your personal inspiration are my resolutions for 2012:

1. I will not assume leadership of the ANCYL even if they ask me very politely. I don’t know how Mr. Malema was able to survive on the pittance they paid him.
2. I will stop buying all my clothing and everyone else’s birthday and Christmas presents from the guys at the traffic lights.
3. I will not assume dictatorial leadership of any North African country as 2011 was a really bad year for North African leaders. I will wait to see what 2012 brings before I seriously consider any offers. May reconsider though as I really, really want a solid gold gun.
4. I will forgive Bafana Bafana for their farcical (we didn’t qualify) dance and will stop writing to SAFA to suggest the entire squad be recruited as the Stormers dancing girls for the upcoming rugby season.
5. I will sit down one weekend and write a novel involving teenage vampires, werewolves; several awkward acne infested prepubescent wizards and witches and watch the millions roll in.
6. I will put on 20 kilograms and try out for the SA cricket team.
7. I will stop reporting sightings of Osama Bin Laden in my office to the US Embassy on Friday afternoons so that I can sneak out early while the Navy Seals are storming the building. I really do not have any choice on this one.
8. I will actually learn to plait the girls’ hair this year and will stop doing a simple pony tail at the back where they can’t see it and telling them it’s a plait.
9. I will not accept any dinner invitations from Dominique Straus–Khan. I don’t want him to confuse me with one of the hired help.
10. I will stop blaming Rupert Murdoch for hacking my phone and deleting my messages every time that I forget to do something that TLJ has specifically sent me an SMS reminder to do.

On the whole a rousing set of resolutions which are sure to challenge me this year. To all the Full Circle readers, here is wishing you and all of yours a prosperous and magnificent 2012. Slainte!